You may be used to having it all under control

In the realm of relationships, many individuals pride themselves on “having it all under control.” this sentiment is not about micromanaging every aspect but more about maintaining balance, ensuring mutual happiness, and navigating challenges with a sense of command. However, the very nature of relationships—with their ebb and flow, unpredictable challenges, and the merger of two distinct personalities—means that control can sometimes be an illusion. This article delves into the concept of control in relationships, the consequences of gripping it too tightly, and the beauty of occasionally letting go.

The illusion of control in relationships

Rooted in good intentions: for many, the desire to have everything under control in a relationship stems from good intentions. It arises from the desire to ensure a harmonious union, to protect the relationship from potential pitfalls, and to provide a sense of security for both partners.

The comfort of predictability: having a perceived control often provides a semblance of predictability. Predictable patterns, behaviors, and routines can offer comfort, especially in a world where external factors can be tumultuous.

Shielding from vulnerability: for some, control acts as a shield from vulnerability. By managing emotions, reactions, and even situations, they hope to protect themselves and their partners from potential pain.

The downside of too much control

While the desire for control is understandable, an overemphasis can lead to various challenges:

Stifling personal growth: relationships are an avenue for personal growth. However, too much control can stifle this, preventing both partners from evolving and adapting.

Suppression of authenticity: in a controlled dynamic, one or both partners might suppress their authentic selves to fit into the established mold. This can lead to feelings of resentment or identity loss over time.

Increased anxiety: the pressure of maintaining constant control can lead to heightened anxiety, especially when things don’t go as planned.

Dependency issues: if one partner exercises too much control, it can lead to dependency issues, where the other partner might feel lost or helpless when left to their own devices.

Letting go: the benefits of relinquishing control

Enhanced trust: letting go of the reins once in a while can enhance trust in the relationship. It communicates the belief that the other partner is equally capable and allows for a more balanced partnership.

Discovery of new dynamics: relationships are fluid. By not always sticking to a controlled script, partners can discover new facets of their relationship, leading to a richer, more varied experience.

Reduced stress: accepting that not everything can be under control can significantly reduce stress. It paves the way for a more relaxed, organic relationship flow.

Increased resilience: when partners learn to navigate unforeseen challenges together without a preconceived control blueprint, it builds resilience and strengthens the bond.

Tips for finding balance

Open communication: regularly check in with your partner. Understand their feelings about the relationship’s dynamics and whether they feel any aspect is too controlled.

Self-reflection: introspect on why you might feel the need to have everything under control. Is it due to past traumas, inherent personality traits, or external pressures? Understanding the root can help address the issue more effectively.

Seek external perspective: sometimes, friends or therapists can offer an external perspective on the relationship’s dynamics. Their insights can be invaluable in understanding if the balance is skewed.

Embrace uncertainty: understand that uncertainty is a part of life and relationships. Embracing it can lead to unanticipated joys and growth.

Practice active listening: instead of always steering conversations or decisions, practice active listening. This allows the other partner to express themselves freely and can lead to more collaborative outcomes.


While having a sense of control can provide comfort and security, relationships often thrive in the spaces in between, in moments of unpredictability, and in the shared experiences of navigating the unknown. By striking a balance between control and spontaneity, partners can pave the way for a relationship that is both secure and exciting. After all, the essence of love often lies in the shared journey, with all its twists and turns, and not just in the destination.